Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
