Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
