He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
