This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
