I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
