got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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