I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
