I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
