No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
