I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
