just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
