My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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