Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
