nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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