Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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