my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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