My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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