why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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