i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
