I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
