Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
