omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
