eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Randomize
