I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Someone came in the potted fern
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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