Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
