My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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