hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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