Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
