So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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