so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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