we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
