I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
