Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
