If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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