i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
