i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
