My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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