You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
