When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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