It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
