everyone is single if you try hard enough
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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