I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
MIDGETS
????
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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