I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
