i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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