dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
