So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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