they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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