I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
