Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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