Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
