my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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