Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
