Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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