I faked an abortion last night.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We should try to put a bagel on your penis