I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
