I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
