Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
